Some Chinese Marriage Traditions You Don't Know About

This year, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s wedding evoked a lot of discourse online. After their wedding Taylor changed her name to Taylor Kelce. This is obviously a tradition for a lot of Western families (taking the husband’s last name) but in China, this does not exist because our names are structured with our surname being in front of our given name so it is naturally integrated into our full name rather than seen separately. Thus, a lot of people see this whole taking the husband’s name thing as something that loses the woman’s own identity as they step into the marriage. I think this made me think much deeper into the different marriage traditions of the Chinese sides and the Western side, so let’s talk about it.

In Chinese, the first thing you would notice different about a marriage is how it is referred to. If a man marries a woman that is called “娶”, but is a woman marries a man that is called “嫁”. The character 娶 is structured with the character for “take” 取 on top and the character for “woman” 女 on the bottom. This makes the character seem like it puts the man in a position where he can take the woman for the marriage and have her as his possession. And the just the way that this character is structured, with the woman on the bottom? That seems to suggest that she is some kind of item that is chosen with the person with more power standing on top of her. The character 娶 is also pronounced the same as the character for “take” 取, so it is reinforcing its meaning that it makes women seem like the item that is chosen and taken. This is actually relevant to the tradition of 提亲before the couple are married, which is when the groom goes to the bride’s home and “takes her with him” to the new marriage, which literally sounds like human-trafficking. If we look at the character 嫁, the character for woman is on the left, and the character for home 家 is on the right. This makes it seem like the woman is waiting for approval to step into the marriage and the new home. This is why even though I know it’s wrong, I still say that both the man and the woman “嫁” each other before the 娶just sounds way to aggressive and human trafficking-like.

In Chinese marriage, there is also a very big financial emphasis. The first thing that you will see in a lot of couples’ marriages is their 彩礼, this is the money/gifts that the groom’s family gives to the bride’s family. This is seen as a safety net to the marriage and if it is given in a large amount, it is seen as the groom’s family cares a lot more about this marriage. This also reinforces traditional gender roles in marriage—the man provides, and the woman is being provided for (why does this women sound like gold-diggers). However, this also places unequal expectation on men because if the family is a little more “traditional” and they see the 彩礼 as a little more important, then the marriage is essentially all dependent on the amount of 彩礼 given and that is obviously not how a marriage should be measured.

彩礼 is not the whole story though, 嫁妆 is another major financial aspect of Chinese marriage. 嫁妆 is the money/gifts that the bride’s family gives to the bride/new couple to let them take into the marriage, signifying that they are sending their daughter off into the new marriage. This honestly sounds a little like the bride and bride’s family never gonna see each other ever again, but this is the whole idea of Chinese marriage. At certain incredibly traditional Chinese weddings, and I am talking about those incredibly traditional ones, there is this procedure in the wedding where the bride and her mother will rip a giant piece of meat together like a tug-of-war to show that they are now separated.

In China, there is also this “marriage package” that a lot of people refer to but is not really explicitly stated in marriages. This is often things like houses, cars, savings, and other assets. This is very different then simply asking “can we afford this wedding” as it is more like an economic burden for them to fulfill to provide the couple with a security net to the marriage and future life. This also raises the bride’s family financial expectations as they can choose whether to marry this man solely due to financial situations, so this turns marriage into a trade for the bride and places a value on her. Why does this sound like human trafficking.

When the wedding happens, in Chinese tradition, red packets are given to the newly wedded couple. Usually, the money given to the couple is then calculated as a sum and then given to the couple as the money they use for their life later on. You can see it as financial aid from the relatives and friends they invite to their wedding.

Chinese weddings are seen as two families together as supposed to just two people being together, so obviously the parents need to make sure that the financial conditions of the marriage is enough for sustainable living in the long-term. I guess in Western customs, the bride’s family paying for the wedding, the father walking their daughter down the aisle to show how he is leaving him to the groom and expectations around engagement rings are also signifying how the bride is leaving her own home to live with the groom and also people think of the value of the engagement ring as the value of their love and marriage, which is obviously a very big deal for the groom. Different cultures attach different economic meanings to the marriage, but both have a lot of similarities behind their traditions.

Personally, I don’t think marriage should be so economically oriented although it is very important that the couple have enough financial aid and support to ensure that they last. However, there is obviously a trend as more young couples reject those traditions, and that is understandable because those traditions are so demanding and makes marriage seem like a trade rather than simply the bonding of love. Personally, I think both families should be involved in the marriage because it is obviously a big deal in the two people’s lives, but all the 彩礼 and 嫁妆 are just way too extra and unnecessary. If the couples need financial aid from their families, they can obviously ask for that but it shouldn’t be the deciding factor of marriage.

Let me know what you think of those marriage traditions in the comments below!