My Eating Disorder

Yes, I forgot if I have mentioned this on this blog before, but I do have an eating disorder. It may not be as severe yet, but somehow, my mentality of being aware of my caloric intake every day and how that manipulates the number on that scale I step on every day is always present and active in my consciousness.

I started figure skating when I was in kindergarten, and back then, no one has ever told me anything about what an eating disorder is or what weight loss is (fortunately). However, once I moved to Beijing and had more professional coaches having their eyes on me more consistently as training got more intense, there was this one coach that called me "fatty" in Chinese once during training. Back then, I was in first grade, and frankly, I didn't really care about it, because the connotation of that being a sign of disrespect to somehow was not in my mind just yet. However, I still have that memory in my mind----that night when at least 5 coaches were on the ice coaching their groups and this old man yelling "fatty" across the ice. If it were to happen now, I would just ignore him and let him refer to me using my proper name if he were to really call me and not just joking with my looks.

In second grade, things got not so good. I started to practice the Axel, which was a big obstacle for me because it is basically the transition from singles to doubles jumps for skaters. My mom and coach both think that the reason for me not being able to land such a "simple" jump is because I was too heavy. So, I started to go on a low-carb diet and got conscious of my weight and weight loss. I remember even now so vividly that I would be so hungry every day at literally every moment and when my parents aren't watching, I would just sneak snacks off the shelf. Even if it was a type of Chinese medicine that children are actually not supposed to eat or a snack that contains ingredients I cannot eat--I would still eat it because I would always feel that my stomach is so empty and just wants food eternally. I didn't know that that was an eating disorder back then, but this idea that only skinny people are perceived as beautiful lived in my head.

The problem got much worse when I stepped into seventh grade. That was when I started researching into nutrition, health, and body positivity. I not only found out that I had an eating disorder but also a stutter (maybe I can talk about that in a later article). I reported my thoughts and feelings to the counselor and asked her is she could talk to my parents about it. She agreed and I knew that she understood me--I knew she did. However, even after my parents came in and heard what she said about me, they scolded by saying: "why would you report something that is just between us to an outsider? Do you really think that being fat is beautiful? Like XXX?! (one of my friends who they think is fat and overweight) What do you want from us Margaret?!" I did not know what to say. Actually, I did know. But even if I said it to them, they would never understand the pressure, the type of hate, and the extent of this unhealthy connotation is bothering me to. I wanted to tell them that I simply don't want them to bother me by telling me how I "should" look like. And that, I did say to them, but their response was--"so you just want us to not care for you? And let you grow into a fatty that looks like a pig?" I lost hope.

However, I am trying to solve this issue on my own--I am trying to not be so conscious of calories every time I eat and I am trying my best to not care too much of exercising just to compensate the amount of calories I ate. I do hope that this mentality would go away, but maybe this process will be longer than I expect.